she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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