My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
why do cheetos always look like penises
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
