I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
