I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
