remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
