don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
