bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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