Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Randomize
