the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
