she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
