"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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