She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
