im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
