He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
