Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
