I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
