I was born with a shot glass in my hand
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
