my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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