I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
