Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
