Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize