Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
