I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
