I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
your like the ambassador to my penis.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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