I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
So. Much. Porn.
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