I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
