Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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