her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
