If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
