dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
