Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
