I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
