i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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