I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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