just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
