I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
