did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
