How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
