I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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