She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
