if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
