I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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