I want to have your abortion
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
a search helicopter?!
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
