history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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