Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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