I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize