I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
