It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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