on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
