one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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